Gatsby Crack part II
by Stormtiger
Summary: The sequel to the much-acclaimed Gatsby Crack. Gangsta Nick, OCD Jordan and a Saturday Night Live guest appearance! Don't miss it!


Jordan: I love myself I am so cool I am the awessomest person who ever lived world love me

Jordan: I love myself I am so cool I am the awesomest person who ever lived world love me!!

Enter Daisy

Daisy: Um- ex-cuse me?? The world loves one person and one person only- ME! 

Jordan: Who the heck are you?

Daisy: I'm, like, your friend, remember?

Jordan: Oh yeah. So. Anyway…the only person who loves you is an obsessive freaky criminal stupid face

Daisy: (cries) How could you. Everyone loves me even my incestuous cousin (aka your boyfriend) he told me

Jordan: What. Did. You. Say.

Daisy: (stops crying) I wasn't even crying for real. Oh dissed.

Jordan: I knew THAT, weirdo, what did you say AFTER that??

Daisy: Yeah that's right. I got it on with your boyfriend. OUCH! Does it burn??

Jordan: Um yeah…he's your COUSIN. That. Is. So. Sick. 

Daisy: Who?

Jordan: Your cousin. Nick.

Daisy: Yeah…not getting anything.

Jordan: For the love of…the guy talking in metaphors all the time? Who thinks he's so honest?? Him??

Daisy: Ohhh….I think I know who you're talking about. 

Jordan: Yes the lame one who I PRETENDED to like the entire book because I am just that much of a –

Enter Nick

Nick: WHAT UP, MY HOOK-AS?

Jordan: Nicholas. I've told you before and I'll say it again. I. Hate. That. Expression. Are you going to stop saying it or are you going to unleash the portal of my unending rage and scrutiny? Your move.

Nick: Um, yeah. Okay. 

Daisy: (snickers) You're totally her bitch, man.

Nick: I AM NOT SHUT UP!

Daisy: oh you totally are

Nick: Am Not

Dasy: Are too!!

Nick: Am not!!

Jordan: You two are acting like fucking six year olds I mean grow up like 15 years will you

Daisy: (sticks out tongue) 

Nick: (returns the gesture)

Daisy: (rolls eyes) You know you are totally in love with me even if I am a slutty little dumb blonde hooker

Jordan: Oh, that's right…Daisy and I were just talking about you. You know, isn't it funny that Daisy needs to cheat on her husband with TWO people, one of them her cousin? It's just crazy, right?

Nick: What? (turns to Daisy) You're MARRIED?

Jordan: Where WERE you the last nine chapters?? 

Nick: (sniffs) I can't believe this! You're totally cheating on me! I hate you! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS! (runs away crying) 

SCENE CHANGES TO JAY'S HOUSE

Gatsby: Yo. 

Nick: (crying) Daisy just TOTALLY hurt my feelings—

Gatsby: Don't talk about Daisy like that!

Nick: Sorry I didn't mean to insult the (rolls eyes) love of your life. Who just happens to be married and in like a million love affairs

Gatsby: What-with YOU?

Nick: No STU-PID, I mean the guy who really isn't important to the plot. Bilson?? Milson?? Trillson??

Gatsby: You mean WILSON. He kills me and then steals my girl. How dare he!

Nick: Dude, get over her. You already are bisexual.

Gatsby: Yeah, and loving every minute of it! You should totally try it sometime, man.

Nick: Uh…yeah….NO. Never.

Gatsby: (shrugs) Your choice. 

Nick: Yes and I don't want to be called a FREAK like people call you. FREAK FACE.

Enter Daisy and Jordan

Daisy: What is up boys. I think you need a little excitement

Nick: UM…My dear hookers I love you a lot but um yeah……(runs away)

Jordan: What. Did. He. Say. 

Daisy: Oooooh he called us hook-ahs!

Jordan: NICHOLAS! I WILL FIND YOU! YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! (chases after him)

Daisy: Wow. Talk about mad love.

Gatsby: Uh, yeah, well…speaking of love…

Daisy: Twenty bucks says your going to try to get it on with me.

Gatsby: (Hands her something) Here- take this, it's a twenty.

Daisy: YAY MONEY!

(they get it on)

Scene switches to Jordan and Nick

Nick: STOP FOLLOWING ME. You are just as freak like as G-Dawg

Jordan: Nicholas I've told you once, I've told you twice, In fact I've told you 62 and a 1/2 times that Daisy and me find it disrespectful to call us hookers EVEN if we are

Nick: Look if someone gets paid to get it on with someone they are a hooker even if they don't want to be called it

Jordan: Well, you never pay me!!

Nick: (cry) I'm so sorry…you must hate me.

Jordan: Well…Not hate, I'm just frustrated.

Nick: (collapses to floor) PLEASE forgive me…I love you.

Jordan: If you love me so much then why did you have to get it on with Daisy the Skank-Masta of the East Side?

Nick: (sniffles) It wasn't my fault…she just jumped me. I had no control.

Jordan: (sighs) See, Nicholas, this is why we'll never work together. You lie too much.

Nick: I'm not lying!! Not this time!

Jordan: Yes, you are. Guys cannot get raped. It's physically impossible.

Nick: (shuffles feet) Um…actually, it is.

Jordan: Ugh- what am I even doing here? Normally I'd help you find a good defense lawyer and sue Miss Buchanan on rape charges- evil skank master beeeotch-but I'm just too tired. We. Are. Done.

Nick: What?? Did you just break up with me??

Jordan: Nicholas, were you even listening to me?? YES, I DID! WE ARE BROKEN UP!

Nick: (collapses to the floor) NOOOOOOOOO!! I'm telling on you. Mean pie

Jordan: Fuck you Nick and please grow up.

Nick: Fuck me?? Please.

Jordan: Do you have the money this time??

Nick: I'm gonna kill you if you don't

Jordan: This coming from the guy who got "raped" by a hooker

Nick: Well….um…maybe I didn't tell the whole truth

Jordan: See you are lying AGAIN. GAWD this is why we broke up

Nick: You're making me angry.

Jordan: Oh dear GOD, Nicholas is angry! Whatever shall we do!

Nick: Don't get me angry. I won't be able to turn back.

Jordan: Oh- I'm so scared! What are YOU going to do, anyway?

Nick: I. Am. Angry.

Jordan: BRING IT, BIZNITCH!

Nick: (Hits her)

Jordan: (cries) STOP HITTING ME. It disgusting when men take out there aggression on innocent sweet girls

Nick: You mean HOOK-AS….But I'll stop sweetie

Jordan: FOR THE LAST TIME. We. Are. Not. Together.

Nick: Well that can be changed

Enter Penelope

Penelope: (plays with hair) Hi. I'm Penelope. I've been on TV, I'm a recurring character on Saturday Night Live. I'm famous, so…yeah. More people know me than you.

Jordan: Hi um bye. Lets get back to our argument.

Penelope: (plays with hair) Um yeah I get into arguments all the time, ALL the time. My friends call me the Argument Master. I can argue in Mandarin. I can argue in Greek. I've had arguments in every country in the world, so…

Jordan: Um, who exactly are you?

Nick: Who cares. We're fighting. 

Jordan: Oh yeah. (Bitch-slaps Nick)

Nick: WHAT?

Jordan: YEAH-UH!! BRING IT! (decks Nick in the face)

Nick: (sighs) I should probably be mad at you, but I can't. You're so hot.

Penelope: (plays with hair) Oh, um, I'm so hot, too. My average body temperature is 300 degrees. I can cook an egg on my lap. People line up outside my door to watch me cook eggs. I have egg-cooking parties at my house and Angelina Jolie comes, so…I guess that makes me hotter than you.

Jordan: Hey, why don't you SHUT UP? I'm trying to beat up my EX-boyfriend here!

Nick: God…you are so hot…I can't even stand it.

Jordan: Ugh- you shut up, too! (Kicks Nick in the stomach)

Nick: Oooh…that feels good. Do it again.

Penelope: (plays with hair) Um, yeah, I kick people all the time. I'm a black belt in judo, karate and tai kwon do…they had to invent a new color belt because I'm so good…I'm a teal belt. It was designed by Ralph Lauren and it's studded with diamonds. Keira Knightly asked me to borrow it, so I karate chopped her in half. So, I guess that makes be just a little better at kicking than you, so…yeah.

Jordan: I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I'M DONE! (jumps off cliff into water)

Nick: NO!! The love of my life.

Penelope: (plays with hair) Well like so what. I am way more lovable than her. Like I won most lovable person in the world of the year award for seventeen years in a row I was gonna win it again but they banned me because I am too lovable. So yeah I think I beat her, so… that makes me better than you, so…

Nick: Um, yeah, that's fantastic…I'm trying to mourn my hot-ass girlfriend here!

Penelope: (plays with hair) So, since I got banned from the TMLPINW contest, there are a ton of blogs dedicated to my lovableness…I checked them out the other day, and I was number one on their list- ahead of Ellen Paige and Dakota Fanning and David Archuleta , so, yeah…

FADE TO BLACK


End file.
